Newsvandal

How Long Will it Take?

Posted on | July 26, 2007 | No Comments

Ever wonder when you are going to kick it? The bucket, that is. Not the family dog, or yourself for bad choices. But the big bucket.

Well, try the Life Expectancy Calculator! I did. It is, like anything on the internet that claims to give you answers to currently unknown questions…it’s mostly bullshit. (You’ve seen that damn link which claims it can tell you which friend has a crush on you? I hate that crap!)

But, then again, this Life Expectancy Calculator seems fairly straightforward. It takes in seemingly relevant data, and even tells you…once it comes up with your number…the ways you can increase your lifespan. The questions make sense. And the answer was, for me, surprising.

80. It said I would live to be 80. Holy Christ! 80?

First, it means that I am effectively middle-aged.

Second, it means there is another 40ish years of walking this vapid rock, trying to make sense of all the senseless killing and selfishness, of all the plotting and scheming and mindgames. But I really do enjoy connecting dots, so no biggie. I mean, it looks like I’ve got a helluva lotta time to kill.

Third, it means that I haven’t abused my body nearly has much as I planned to when I was younger. Oh, misspent youth.

Fourth, it means I don’t have buy a pre-need death package at some rip-off mortuary…at least not until I make enough money to afford dying.

Fifth, it means you are going to have to deal with me until I am exiled onto some island by a band of black-masked Homeland Security thugs. Or not…this is the digital age, so you could just delete me.

Finally, it means very little. Because there is a world of randomness out there, ricocheting around like BBs in a dryer. Randomness that, when it keeps on pelting you in the goolies, feels like a Goddamn plan. So stop it, already!

Go check out your life expectancy…and then sit back and wait for the unexpected. What else is there to do?

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