Newsvandal

Mr. Potato Head Loves Glowsticks

Posted on | October 9, 2007 | No Comments

Breaking News:

Mr Potato Head is Mr Ecstasy Head

That’s right, Mr. Potato Head got busted trying to smuggle 300 grams of Ecstasy through the Sydney International Mail Center.

It turns out, he loves to roll. Glowsticks, pacifiers…crazy mix CDs filled with monotonous house, trance and trip-hop music.

MPH, as he is known at raves worldwide, was a leading distributor of MDMA…the drug of the 90s.

He was wearing the infamous Graucho Marx fake moustache-n-glasses disguise when he got popped:

Officers said it was the permanent smile on his face, particularly during questioning, that made them suspicious.

Finally, after being detained for five hours MPH became agigated and dehydrated, begging for a bottle of water and some gum, the Rollin’ Potato cracked:

Currently, MPH is being held on a $1 million bond, pending extradition hearings being held for five countries with outstanding warrants for his arrest: The Netherlands, Israel, The United Kingdom, The United States and Nepal.

A lawyer for MPH claims that his client is innocent of the charges and will be posting bond in the coming days.

MPH’s career as an “X” dealer is the stuff of legend among ravers worldwide. The Rollin’ Potato began as a research scientist for Eli Lilly and managed the test trials of Prozac before it was approved by the FDA.

He is also a long-time confidant of the Bush family, The Bush family has long-standing ties to Eli Lilly, with George H. W. Bush, the 41st President of the United States, once sitting on the board of the pharamceutical giant. Dan Quayle, Ken Lay and others with ties to the Bush family have served on Eli Lilly’s board of directors and as company executives.

MPH has been a well-known donor to the GOP and advocate of pharamceutical-friendly legislation. He was a registered lobbyist with Pharma, the industry’s lobbying group.

After leaving Pharma three years ago, The Head, as he was know among members of Congress, disappeared from public life. Sources close to the investigation say that he began traveling to world, organizing raves and distributing MDMA tablets. Sources also indicate that he had been distributing on “the downlow” for years and organized “VIP Raves” for unnamed Republican donors and politicians.

One source close to the investiagtion said that “dealing wasn’t the only thing The Head was doing on the downlow.”

That is, as yet, unconfirmed.

Capitol Hill was buzzing about the news. Rumors are swirling about Mr. Potato Head and his ties to Eli Lilly and the GOP.

An Eli Lilly’s spokesperson, in written statement, disavowed the disgraced Head and said there is no connection between his work on Prozac and distribution of Ecstasy. Critics charge that long-term use of Ecstasy can lead to severe depression as the brain’s seratonin receptors are burned out by the drug. This, in turn, can lead to long-term, perhaps life-long, dependence on anti-depression drugs like Prozac, also know as SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors

Senator Larry Craig held a press conference shortly after the arrest was made and indicated that he’d never met MPH, nor had he accepted any donations from him. Representative Mark Foley could not be reached for comment.

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