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Jim Bakker’s Supermarket of Doom

Posted on | June 3, 2013 | 30 Comments

The end of the world is coming.

And you’re gonna need food. A lot of food.

That’s where Jim Bakker comes in.

Yes, that Jim Bakker—as in Jim and Tammy Faye and “The PTL Club” television empire.

Yes, the selfsame Jim Bakker who, at the time of his epic fall from grace, seemed to embody all those deeply Christian and quintessentially American values broadcast globally by that fascinating genus of human being we call “the televangelist.”

Their holy trinity—a tax-free entrepreneurial spirit, a convenient confusion of “praying on” with “preying upon” and a devout belief that devout belief is a God-given market opportunity—keeps them rolling in clover until they inevitably get caught rolling in the hay.

But, as self-described “sinners” perpetually washed in the blood of a radical, 2000 year-old rabbi, they’ve always got the ultimate get-out-of-moral-peril-for-free card tucked up their finely-tailored sleeves. For the upwardly mobile Evangelical, forgiveness is always at hand.

So, emulating the classic Christian motif, Jim has done his time and he’s risen again to take to the airwaves. Now re-married to another bubbly-blonde co-host, he’s once-again spreading the word of God.

Well, he’s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his “favorite” soy-nut butter.

That’s just one of the hard bargains Jim’s driving in his new incarnation as survivalist food pitchman. In fact, Jim’s got a whole catalog of foodstuffs that he is willing to “give” you as a “thank you” in return for your “love gift” to his “ministry.”

Forget those bland, chintzy wafers the Catholics are handing out. The menu for your “gift” of “love” can be quite tasty. And remunerative.

Jesus turned water into wine for free, but Jim is turning it into carrot juice for $35.00.

Forget loaves and fishes. How about chips and salsa? It only “costs” $65.00 to feed the multitudes (at your next Super Bowl party).

Yes, miracles are hard to come by, but your “act of love” will bring back a sampler box of Jim’s favorite miracle food—“Salba”—for a mere $100.00.

Now, this proposition may seem decidedly outside the generally-accepted practice of “religion” and, more directly, in violation of the highly profitable tax exemption afforded to various practitioners of the “spiritual arts” here in the good ol’ US of A. But fret not, oh ye of little faith—there is a “religious” connection to this de facto supermarket Jim’s running via a website and daily television show. You see, all this food is meant to prepare you for the days of woe foretold in the Book of Revelation.

This is not a simple matter of exchanging your “love” for “thank you” gifts.

No, Jim’s food is designed to prepare you for the End of the World as we know it. But you and your family will feel fine. Or, at the very least, you will face the coming of the Antichrist on a full stomach.

And what better way to prepare for the impending “Time of Trouble” than with buckets of food?

Seriously. Actual buckets of food.

Buckets that don’t have his name on ’em.

Why? Jim says the absence of his name will protect you from the derision and hatred that would most assuredly come if your neighbors saw “Jim Bakker” emblazoned all over the survivalist larder you’re assembling in your basement.

Now, that’s some truth on non-advertising.

Imagine the ridicule—particularly if you tell friends and neighbors that you gave Jim $1,000.00 of your hard-earned “love” for ten buckets of dehydrated black bean burger.

In fact, you can spend up to $3,000 (donation + shipping) on a massive “Time of Trouble” kit that will keep for years and, when the holy water hits the fan, will provide you and yours 7,675 servings of dehydrated food to see you through to the triumphant return of the Lord as he finally invites his faithful flock to join him on his elevator to eternity.

And the elevator is coming, my friends. The signs are manifold. The trick, according to Jim, is to know what it all means. On his blog, Jim writes: “One of the dangers of the End Times is hearing so much and understanding so little.”

Truer words have rarely been written.

So, rather than “understanding” all that science about extreme weather and climate change, Jim wants you to know that the tornadoes in Oklahoma and hurricanes like Katrina are the direct result of American policies toward Israel. In fact, the deadly tornado in Moore came shortly and suspiciously after President Obama appeared with Turkey’s Prime Minister and called for a two-state solution to the plight of the Palestinians.

The persecution of believers is another flashing sign of the Apocalypse. Enter the IRS. They targeted Franklin Graham. Even worse, the IRS went after “God’s People” by targeting pro-Israeli groups—and, says Jim, God doesn’t like it. Expect more climatologically-expressed displeasure from the Almighty.

These are “harbingers,” which also happens to be the title of a book written by Jim’s other favorite rabbi. In it, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn (pronounced “Con”) details the ways America is just like Israel of the Old Testament. Amping up Christian Zionism, Cahn’s perfect pitch deftly exploits many Protestants’ long-standing envy of God’s special preference for Jews as his Chosen People. According to Cahn, not only is Passover a suitable holiday for Christians, but “…if you are Born Again, you are a citizen of Israel.” Even better, says Cahn, if you are Born Again “…you are as Jewish as I am!”

Can’t you just see the mayo on the knishes?

If that’s not a sign of the Apocalypse, what is?

How about Bee Colony Collapse Disorder? Jim weighed in on dying bees, which he (of course) calls “Bee-mageddon.” Talking at length about the massive decline in bee populations, Jim never mentioned pesticides or the EU’s ban on neonicotinoids. Rather, this is all part of the coming lack of food foretold in Matthew 24:7.

Which offers a perfect segue into a pitch for his buckets of food. And it is a perfect diversion from the hard truths and scientific realities of the world as it is rather than how it was for ancient tribesmen living in a magical world of competing gods, supernatural events, severe misogyny and ritual sacrifice. In that ancient world, God sanctioned genocide (more than once), manipulated history, chose sides and appointed mere mortals as his proxies on earth.

Today, those self-appointed and self-aggrandizing proxies are the real harbingers of catastrophe. They keep too many Americans locked in the darkened, candlelit world of Creationism, clinging to anti-scientific tropes and hypnotized by a bizarre affixation of ruthless capitalism to God’s will. They are slow-motion suicide bombers armed with a self-fulfilling prophecy that divorces humanity from the despoiling of the planet and embraces the world’s end as a welcomed event.

Progress on climate, circumspection about two centuries of messianic imperialism and concern for the environmental consequences of human greed—these do not factor into the whiz-bang millenarianism of Christian fundamentalists. In fact, the worse it gets, the more evidence they see of God’s action-packed plan for a big finish to the whole of history.

And until that day comes, my friends, Jim Bakker will be collecting the profits of doom.

Comments

30 Responses to “Jim Bakker’s Supermarket of Doom”

  1. Jim Bakker Christian Capitalism
    June 4th, 2013 @ 10:45 am

    [...]   jQuery( document ).ready( function( $){$("a[rel='cbox_77621']" ).colorbox()}); About JP SottileJP Sottile is a freelance journalist, published historian, radio co-host and documentary filmmaker (The Warning, 2008). His credits include a stint on the Newshour news desk, C-SPAN, newsmagazine producer for ABC affiliate WJLA in Washington, and a two-time Washington Regional Emmy Award Winner. His weekly show, Inside the Headlines w/ The Newsvandal, co-hosted by James Moore, airs every Friday on KRUU-FM in Fairfield, Iowa. He blogs under the pseudonym "the Newsvandal." /* [...]

  2. Tom O'Neill
    June 4th, 2013 @ 3:49 pm

    The most trenchant phrase for me in this article is “self-fulfilling prophecy.” One could say Bakker is bizarre enough to be left alone on the journey to his next debacle were it not that this identification of America and Israel as instruments of God’s will has deep appeal to millions of Americans. Too many of us do still believe (in the face of all the god-awful mayhem) that whatever aggrandizes America and Israel, even briefly, is a great triumph for God. If we persevere in this belief that whatever we do is blessed by God, Bakker and company’s debacle will be a mere part of the collapse of civilization as we know it.

  3. ORAXX
    June 5th, 2013 @ 5:01 am

    Jim Bakker is a con man. First, last, and always. He just happens to use religion as his vehicle to extract as much money as he can from foolish people. He’s not alone. If you were to assume that all television preachers are con men, I think you’d be right most of the time.

  4. james chiarottino
    June 5th, 2013 @ 10:22 am

    A wonderful expose by JP Sottile of a huckster (jim Bakker) who has pedeled his snake oil for a long time. Bakker should expand his ministry into a used car empire or perhaps a “life after death insurance policy.” The policy holder is GUARANTEED to by-pass purgatory/hell and ride with Eziekel in a white chariot to heaven—or your money back!!! One thing is for sure—-once a thief–always a thief. Bakker hasn’t lost his touch.

  5. Late Night: Food, Glorious Food! | BirchIndigo
    June 8th, 2013 @ 1:27 pm

    [...] the world”). A good guess might be that these people were crazy.  And they may well be–because, as Newsvandal.com reports, these are what the faithful followers of Jim Bakker get if they send a “love offering” to the [...]

  6. Tonya Briggs
    July 13th, 2013 @ 12:59 am

    You apparently don’t know your bibe and if you do you don’t understand it. It dosen’t take a rocket scientist to see we are living in perilous times…When shit hits the fan I wanna be ready. America is doomed and all you can do is knock Jim Bakker. I tell you this God is real and you will know it ln the coming days..The Lord is ready to judge this wicked nation and when he does don’t say you wasn’t warned.

  7. Tonya Briggs
    July 13th, 2013 @ 1:27 am

    Yeah I know I misspelled Bible. oh by the way when you guys get to hell say hello to Hitler and the gang for me and tell them I am doin fine eatting my Jim Bakker food and drinking my cool clean water…

  8. Cheryl Novath
    July 21st, 2013 @ 10:39 am

    I’m w/u Tonya, scoff all u want when it does hit just remember how “crazy” we really where!!! We will hav food & water. Stock up on button’s so u can suck 2 try 2 truck ur tummy that it has food. & NO water means death, not very funny. U better pray a neighbor or friend likes u enough 2 feed u..

  9. Cheryl Novath
    July 21st, 2013 @ 10:41 am

    Oopppps trick not truck ur tummy

  10. Michael J Surwin
    August 15th, 2013 @ 11:23 pm

    Your clever despotic colloquialisms do not prove your Agnostic sway. Sadly to your own peril you have chosen the wrong side. The Bible is Proven True. There are thousands of proofs that just can’t be ignored! Watch the video of Pharaoh’s Junk Yard at the bottom of the Red Sea. Understand that Israel’s EXACT birth date (May 14th 1948)is easily found in Scripture. (See Website)as well as the EXACT date Jesus rode into Jerusalem (It even says on a Baby Donkey-Zech 9:9) on Palm Sunday! The evidence is endless and will blow any one who tries to contradict TRUTH out of the water. You are challenging God and that is a certain losing proposition. GodofIsraelisReal d o t c m

  11. Dan Da Man
    August 24th, 2013 @ 10:31 am

    Besides this “waste of time” article being absolutely nothing but multiple paragraphs of left wing anger and snarky remarks directed at us “evil Christians” it’s also demonstrates the shimmering, colossal jewel of ignorance of that the writer really is. His belief system is obviously based on decades of the writers left wing, socialist, hate all Christians and Jews indoctrination. That being said, I am not a follower of J.B. anyone that promotes self sufficiency is on the same page as me, at least on that subject anyway. Trillion dollar stimulus packages, Obama (lack of) Care, giving millions of dollars in weapons to people who hate us, centralizing government power and killing 55 million of our own children will have severe consequences on this nation wether its Gods judgement or our own stupidity. If FEMA or your home state prepares for disasters it’s prudent perpetration but if one of us “ignorant Christians” do it were called doomsday psychos. I store possibles for the same reason I have a license to carry firearms. Better to have it and not need it then to need it and not have it.

  12. Dan Da Man
    August 24th, 2013 @ 10:45 am

    PS: Come and take ‘em!

  13. bobbie ann brisch
    August 30th, 2013 @ 10:46 am

    Hurricane Sandy is god’s punishment for us letting Bakker out of jail.
    PS Whatever became of Mom and Pop after they were kicked out of Heritage USA?

  14. DEENA SCHMIDT
    September 1st, 2013 @ 11:56 pm

    Here’s the real story. What Jim Bakker is doing is not what the Bible teaches. Jesus tells us not to worry about food or clothing or shelter. If He fed the people in the desert for 40 yrs and they had fresh manna everyday, why would He not do it for us. He never changes. He loves us just as much. If He can and will provide for us now why not in difficult times. Plus I won’t be here when all this happens. Jim is building his kingdom and doing what he did before, trying to manipulate and merchandise christians. I wonder what he learned in prison for 4 yrs. If christians stock pile this food and people who don’t have any, they will kill you to get your food, when they know you have all these provisions. WAKE UP CHRISTIANS AND TRUST IN YOUR REAL PROVIDER, WHOSE NAME IS JESUS CHRIST.

  15. Dan Da Man
    September 6th, 2013 @ 7:27 pm

    Guess I can quit my job and stop paying my bills since God said not to worry? Huh? I do believe Christ was telling us not to fret over things we can’t control when he said that , not to stop going to doctors when we are sick. Hey Deena, you sound like a name it claim it Christian and thats dangerous. You know sometimes The Lord says “NO” and sometimes he says “I’ve provided you with the resources, now go get it yourself”. Lest we forget, one of the first assignments the Lord gave Adam was “Get a job son”. I’m paraphrasing of course. Just keepin it real. I mean that kindly of dear.

  16. Me Godson
    October 5th, 2013 @ 10:50 am

    I am a Christian first of all. A real Christian who loves God for God and not for what he’s doing for me at the time. Jim Bakker preaches doom and gloom in order to insill fear into his followers, but wait there’s more….. Luckily for you Jim Bakker has the answer. He’s got God’s back and will bail him out when he fails to provide. Hmmmmmmm, good on ya Jimmy Boy. I mean seriously he deserves your money, do you think it was cheap for Tammy Fae to get all of that beautiful plastic surgery? His new wife Lori is going to need to get her face done someday too. You will get a bucket of food. Wait a minute, has anyone ever seen the food that is stored up? I know that I will not be here, because I will be caught up in heaven. So, basically I’m storing up food for the sinners to ravage after I am raptured. Crazy. Jim Bakker is living a great lifestyle and paying for it from the money of Christians. It’s wrong, but there are many people who conduct unethical business practices, he just happens to use the Bible to do it. On the other hand, who am I to judge, maybe Jim Bakker is storing up food, because he cares for you. It would be my prayer that Jim Bakker is doing this with the right heart. It doesn’t look like it to me, but I leave God matters to God. It’s not my matter. I choose not to get into his teaching. As for me and my family we will follow the Lord, not Jim Bakker.

  17. AnDaibhalsHussair
    October 7th, 2013 @ 11:45 am

    I’m with you Godson. I’m not Christian, or even a theist, and one need not be either to see that Bakker is a con man.

    Those of us critisizing bakker do so, be wise he’s working an angle, that runs counter to the very scritutes he supposedly is drawing his ministry from. I’ve read the bible cover to cover twice, and several verses stand out, as being contradictory to bakker’s message, the most profound being that god will take care of the faithful….the man is a crook.

  18. David J Hinkle
    October 21st, 2013 @ 4:14 pm

    ~ As one grows stronger in wisdom, one is keener at spotting the Charlatans. ~

    The use of religion as a method of power and control usually works well at keeping the Sheeples, those unlike the wiser wolves, in line. Wolves are not the height of evil for they actually care for their young and group together for the benefit of the pack. Yet, the most devote sheep, those religious, have been seen slitting one another’s throats for their sheer pleasure of vain theology. The charlatans love the “bling”, the wool of the naïve. “Shear that wool, yes, down to the naked hide. Let not the wool remain for the weaker to stay warm in the storms” says the doomsday, prophet, preacher of bliss.

    Hell! If Power and Control doesn’t work, switch methods. The good ole’ fear mongering and demonizing technique works wonders. The ole’ hell fire and damnation will scare the gold and silver to a point that coins will sprout golden and silver legs of fire, quick to run straight down into the wide, open treasure chest of the smiling preacher. “Blow all that loose wool floating in the air, sheared from the hides of the weak, drive it into a bundle, for I have a new suit and cloak of fine linen to fashion around my tiny kingdom of might and power”, says the owner of the chapel. “Church was never meant to be used as a sanctuary. No! Church is meant for business and shall be like one, a business. In fact, preachers today need a Bachelor’s degree in business! Business, the pleasure of gold and silver is our gospel.” says the bling king of his new found kingdom. I’ve been told if you don’t like his church, go start your own. In no time my friend, you can convince those Sheeples to give you their wealth.

    Meanwhile, the poor old sheep, naked and bruised, limp away to cower in some hole, some deep, dark hole, waiting for lightning to finish their poor, sinful, decrepit souls. Sheeples, whom may question for even a second, the integrity of the false prophet are sure to get set on fire first above all. “May lightning turn your naked, wool less, bones to ash for questing my authority”, says the fat, jolly cult leader.

    Revelations is a book that was written to give Hope to the frail NOT to produce fear. In my lifetime, I cannot count the number of books I’ve seen in bookstores, written in regard to Revelations. All written by the wisdom of over 30 to 40,000 differing scribes of supreme theological knowledge, who have not any unity to get along, all whose sole interpretation has reached a higher mount of knowledge than the other, fights break out over the unknown. These new interpreted books always contradict each other. Yet, they all have one thing in common, book sales. If an author wants to make a huge dime, yes make one really rich, then write a book that scares the living hell out of the reader.

    So many false prophets have profited by the sale of fear.

    Did not God say, “Fear is a Sin”?

    The sale of religion by force and/or fear is something I hate with a passion.

    Copyright © 2013, David J. Hinkle, Snow Luminos ™

  19. Celines
    October 22nd, 2013 @ 12:09 pm

    Well, I don’t see what’s wrong with be prepared for bad times ahead of time. It is a free country, many people have been through a lot in there lives and have pantries in their homes, and they are not “crazy”. So leave him alone, if people choose to people in him, so be it!

  20. rosemerry
    November 10th, 2013 @ 3:10 pm

    It is a bit frightening when the joking cannot be distinguished from the serious. The onlyself-appointed people allowed to call themselves “christians” in the USA would not be recognised as such by real, charitable, tolerant Christians, any more than “pro-life” extremists would be considered pro-life while they love guns, war and attacking “enemies”.

  21. Thomas Latham
    November 13th, 2013 @ 2:41 pm

    You are so wrong about Jim Bakker. Only a fool would say things in this world are not getting worse – especially economically, in this country, and around the world. There are wars, riots, pestilences, famines, earthquakes, solar flares, volcanoes, asteroids…and his only message is, “Be prepared.” Even if this isn’t “the end of the world,” it looks like America is headed toward something really ugly. If you don’t like Jim Bakker, then don’t watch him. For those of us who do, we ARE PREPARED!

  22. Joshua Shneider
    November 19th, 2013 @ 12:13 pm

    The scripture speaks (among many things) about two main subjects: 1. mockers of God and the Bible and 2. counterfeit pseudo-”christians” who God never knew …
    1. Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.For this they willingly are ignorant of, that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of the water and in the water:Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished:But the heavens and the earth, which are now, by the same word are kept in store, reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men. 2 Peter 3: 3 – 7

    2. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:22,23

    There verses above refer to both classes of unbelievers … wolves and wolves in sheeps clothing … both will be cast into the Lake of Fire unless they sincerely receive this in true repentance (change of mind towards Jesus Christ: John 3:3 and John 3:16 … look it up and see, especially NOW, since the Rapture of all true believers is imminent.

    Note:
    11Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat upon it, from whose presence earth and heaven fled away, and no place was found for them. 12And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne, and books were opened; and another book was opened, which is the book of life; and the dead were judged from the things which were written in the books, according to their deeds. 13And the sea gave up the dead which were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead which were in them; and they were judged, every one of them according to their deeds. 14Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire.…15And if anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:11-15

    Receive Jesus Christ as your Saviour, Lord and Messiah asap. John 3;3 You MUST be born again.

  23. Jim Bakker Spends Lion’s Share of Christian Show Talking About Bean Burgers | Christian Pundit
    December 16th, 2013 @ 11:07 pm

    [...] Jim Bakker’s Supermarket of Doom Well, he’s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his “favorite” [...]

  24. murray d. tapley
    December 20th, 2013 @ 1:01 pm

    I am so sorry that my son had rather believe the garbage against any thing of God, than to believe the word Of God. My statement to all of you that stand against anything of or from God,I have news for you you will see not to far into the future that that old Bible was right after all.Jesus is coming again and changes will be made,Not the end of the world as the word of God teaches that it will stand for ever, never to end. People have been trying to end it almost as long as mankind has been around.God even loves the ones that are the strongest against Him.God help you all.

  25. Ivan the infidel
    December 28th, 2013 @ 2:25 am

    Right now Christians are being beheaded in islamic countries for their faith. But as we all know, nothing bad is going to happen until the the seven years trib starts. DUH!
    By the way I did not use a capital i, on the word islamic intentionally. A murderous beleif system such as islam is not worthy of any respect down to and including capital letters. Oh, I almost forgot. mohammed is a pig. OINK OINK. This message has been brought to you by freedom of speech and the right to keep and bear arms. Have a nice day :,)

  26. ROSEMERRY'S BABY
    December 28th, 2013 @ 2:43 am

    Hey Rosemerry, did you spell your name correctly? I guess killing babies is what counts as tolerance these days. Oh, almost forgot. There is a huge difference between having a firearm in defense of yourself and the state and killing an INNOCENT child. When the bible stated that “in those days people will see evil as good and good as evil” I believe it was talking about you. What a knucklehead!

  27. Smartass
    December 28th, 2013 @ 2:54 am

    You are such an intolerant, racist, bigoted, homophobe with chauvinistic and xenophobic tendencies that it just scares me and Elton John to pieces. I can’t handle all this hate. I think I will now light some candles, put on my Kenny G CD and destress with a warm bubble bath.

  28. Smartass
    December 28th, 2013 @ 3:04 am

    I guess MODERATION is another word for censorship.

  29. Amused
    March 2nd, 2014 @ 7:14 pm

    Great article. It’s so interesting to see the comments of those who are defending Jim Bakker. If I didn’t have a conscience, I think I could become very rich conning people out of their money by preying on their fears. Or should I say praying?

  30. BA
    April 10th, 2014 @ 8:17 pm

    This man is a crook! he preys on old people, when orders come in his house on pokeberry grows bigger. But the poor old people wait months on their food. The master media kids are slaves and you don’t even need to be black for this… well maybe you do if a floor needs to be mopped.

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