Those Darn Iraqis

C’mon guys…can’t you get it together? Can’t you just get along?

You know what’s causing all that strife in our country? What’s making Americans so despondent? What’s causing American men and women death, dismemberment and psychological scars? What’s caused the Liberator-in-Chief to trot out Daddy’s Damage Control Team (guys who cut their teeth on Iran-Contra) to think up some way to control the damage…the incredible damage…to our image around the world?

It’s those darn Iraqis!

They’re so unwilling to just come together and realize that the United States of Creating Failed States has given them an amazing opportunity to create a brand-spanking new country! Just look at what we’ve done for Afghanistan. Twice.

So listen up, Iraqis. Our election was the final straw. Now, we can’t get all involved in hand-holding…those salad days are over. Now you have to take responsibility.

That’s why we destroyed all that infrastructure. Just consider the fact that you have power about 6-8 hours per day, as compared to nearly 24 hours per day before the Great Liberation? This is a chance to create a new democracy of electricity.

And all those bombed roads and bridges? Avenues to a Western-style democracy waiting to happen. C’mon Iraqis…build a bridge or two to the 21st Century? Hey, we’ve even made your oil wealth easier to distribute…less people means more money for living!

Potable water, safe shopping at a market, education (particularly for women), torture and detention…this is the chance to create democratic versions of the tyrannical water, shopping, education and torture you once endured. As we say…give an Iraqi a fish and feed him for a day, teach an Iraq how to reorganize the rubble we’ve left behind and make him democratic for life! The fish will come later through the magic of the free market our Provisional Authority set in motion! Believe me, our agribusinesses invested in buying up farming rights for a reason! You just wait and see.

You see, the real problem in Iraq is not that we’ve destroyed your nation. Nor is it that we’ve unleashed pent-up antagonism created during Saddam’s American-endorsed, American-supplied reign of tyranny. You know, that period from the late Seventies right up to the invasion of Kuwait…when we helped him eliminate internal enemies we identified as Commies; when we supplied him so he could attack Iran (while we were also illegally arming Iran, too, by the way); when we shook hands with him and channeled chemical and biological weapons to him; when gave him a nod and wink after he complained about Kuwaiti slant drilling into Iraq’s southern oil fields and when he killed Kurdish rebels who were so darn annoying our Turkish friends.

Hey, we even told you to rise up after the Gulf War and take your country back from…well…the guy we had supported. You know, you could’ve made a democracy out of the tyranny we’d supported simply because we wanted a solid, united Iraq. Oh yeah, we didn’t give you any air or ground support for that uprising, nor did we go to Baghdad and topple that all-important statue. But you have to remember, as Brother Rummy said, creating a democracy is a messy, long and hard slog.

Hey Iraq, don’t lose faith in the long and hard slog we given you!

Heck, we’re even going to hang Saddam! What more impetus do you need to take your future by the short a curlies?!?!

You see, Mr. and Ms. Iraqi…the onus is now on you. You have to take responsibility for our actions. You have to take control of your own security. We, by eliminating the army and internal security forces, made it possible for you to take responsibility anew. You can create a democracy of security!

And by flooding your country with billions of dollars that cycled back to crony American defense and construction companies…we have given you a chance to take responsibility for missing money. And since we’ve elevated the Kurds and the Shiites, aligning ourselves with Islamists who want women to wear veils and crave vengeance for the Sunni control we exploited for two decades…well…we’ve given you a chance to come together in peace! Get a time-table, you fortunate Iraqis. Take control. Take responsibility.

I mean, what’s a democracy without responsibility?

Oh yeah, that’d be America, huh?

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